i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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