You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize