i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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