So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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