What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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