so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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