I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
