Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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