my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize