Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
