please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
