but the lizard people decide everything anyway
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
