Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
