Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
