Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
