We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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