Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
