There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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