There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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