i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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