i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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