The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize