So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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