Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
