Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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