my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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