Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
