What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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