I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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