Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
