I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
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