I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
