I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
