ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
