Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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