Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
