I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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