I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
