if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
