took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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