Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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