3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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