Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
