She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
