I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
