Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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