seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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