Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
