I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
