I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
