I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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