Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Randomize
