She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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