The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
this hospital has no fireball
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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