So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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