She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
