My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
