You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
