How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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