I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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